As you may know, a few months ago we decided a puppy would be an excellent addition to the family, and we put a down payment on a beautiful and intelligent little Rottweiler/German Shepherd pup.
Everyone had me absolutely convinced that having a puppy was like the worst newborn and the worst toddler put together. Basically, pure unadulterated evil.
All lies. Children still hold that particular trophy. Why?
- No dirty diapers. No poopy underpants. Takes all of 30 seconds to clean up an accident (provided you keep pup off the rugs). House breaking is usually instinctive and often 100% complete within a couple of months, as opposed to 18 months of hell, in the case of my first-born.
- If you’re not in the mood to snuggle or be used as a jungle gym, you can kick the dog off you without guilt or having to listen to a half hour tantrum.
- Puppies are cheap when compared to kids. No clothes to continually purchase, no extra-curriculars to pay for, no education, future wedding or psychotherapy to save for… Just food, treats, a few vet bills, maybe some obedience classes and you’ve got a bud for life.
- Dogs are so simple. Trying to be a good parent, we’re constantly peeling back the onion layers of our kids psychologies and adapting our parenting techniques to suit them. Dogs need obedience training, consistent leadership, and love but that’s it. Simple.
- Yelling at your dog feels good and relieves stress. Yelling at your kids? Guilt and more stress.
- Dogs don’t talk. Which means they don’t talk back.
- If you buy a dog a good bone, you can practically guarantee at least an hour of total silence. When’s the last time you bought your kid a toy that entertained them for that long?
- You can tie the puppy up outside the grocery store instead of dragging them in with you to cause chaos. It’s considerably less stressful to be viewed as the slightly neglectful dog owner than the mom with the out-of-control kid.
- Getting a dog involves a two things – a bit of thought and a cheque book. No charting basal temperatures, no nausea and vomiting, no sciatic nerve pain, no weight gain, no birth plan, no labour, no recovery, nada.
- It’s generally frowned upon to keep your kids in a cage – though understandably tempting. Following you into the bathroom? Into your cage! When they’re all fighting? In your separate cages! If they’re in a snit? Into your cage you go. It’s like time-out, but better!