No, not my sanity… though judging from the sheer quantity of gray hairs that are rapidly appearing, it’s not going to be long before that goes too. No, I’m talking about FAT, people.
Yes, this is the post I’ve been loathe to write since I started this blog, but since it’s almost as much a part of my identity as my kids are, I guess I should just do it and be done with it.
I’m a fat girl. I’ve always been a fat girl… I might always be a fat girl. I’m okay with that. I have almost always been one of those fat girls who had a hottie lurking underneath the blubber. A.k.a. I have more self esteem than I know what to do with.
What I became after I had James (and gained a gargantuan 58 lbs) was more than just a fat girl. I became an obese girl. I became very quickly what I, as a teenager, had always rolled my eyes at, saying “If I ever get that fat, please just shoot me and put me out of my misery.” And surprisingly, being obese wasn’t quite as awful as I’d always imagined it would be. You basically have the same insecurities you have always had- just magnified slightly- and you push through it the same way you always did – by either repressing your feelings or doing something about it.
I periodically do both. I spend months working out, eating so little that it makes me borderline psychotic (usually around 1500 calories a day) and losing weight, followed by months rebelling against my former healthy self and sabotaging any continued weight loss.
I’ve just started another round of “Losing it, Erin Style” and I suppose (insert big dramatic sigh) I’ll share it all with you.
This round of “Losing it” consists of Jillian Michaels‘ 30 Day Shred 6 days a week, running for 20-30 minutes 3 days per week, and eating a total of 1500-1800 calories every week day and 2000 on weekends, with approx. 30% of my calories coming from carbohydrates (because I have a mildly hypoactive thyroid, a diet that minimizes simple carbs is most effective). I input most days of data on Sparkpeople, so if you feel like being my friend my sn is mum2threejs.
It’s currently day 6 and I’m feeling like I have more energy. My muscles aren’t in total shock any more. I can actually walk up and down the stairs again. I can actually sit on the toilet again without bending backward like a psychotic crab. According to my fancypants digital scale, I have already lost 5% body fat (down to a still seriously shocking 38% body fat… insert vomit sounds here) and gained 5% TBW (total body water weight up to 44% TBW), though the scale has only budged half a pound. No big deal.
In 2010, I lost 15 lbs and gained 5 back during my winter hibernation. If I do at least the same in 2011, I’ll be satisfied. Hopefully I’ll double that. We shall see. I plan on looking like this afterward —————————>